Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving looked so different last year. 

The day before Thanksgiving is when I had the surgery to put in an Ostomy. Feeling defeated is an understatement to the cacophony of emotions I was wrestling with. I truly thought that once we got rid of the mass of infection and I buckled down on discipline with my lifestyle and diet, everything would be able to go back to “normal.” In my typical Pollyanna fashion, I thought the worst of things was finally behind me, but it wasn’t. It quickly became clear that the damaged portion of my intestines were so diseased, they would only continue to “leak” and cause pain and infection.. As a result, an Ostomy would need to be placed to divert intestinal flow so that we could reduce inflammation enough to be able to safely remove the damaged area at a later time. 

Many tears were shed, but overall I was able to “hold it all together” despite my circumstances. I cried because I would spend Thanksgiving in the hospital. I cried because while at home, connected to my drain, I bought tickets to one of my favorite festivals to enjoy with my family the day after Thanksgiving. That day out was supposed to be a celebration of getting through those previous months, but instead, my family would have to take my kiddos in my stead. Meanwhile, in my hospital bed, a weight of sadness and disappointment was slowly consuming me. The Ostomy was terrible. Even now as I think back, it's hard not to feel guilty typing those words, because I know how it can give freedom to others in different circumstances and situations. But it didn’t feel like freedom to me.

It felt like the biggest failure of my life.

 Once the initial pain meds slowly started to fade, and ostomy management started, and that’s when my optimism started to wane. The next day, Thanksgiving Day, was when I finally convinced myself to lift up the sheet and look at my abdomen. Once I did, that is when I couldn’t “hold it all together” anymore and the ugly tears started… 

A year later, we welcomed friends and family over to enjoy the holiday together. I started this morning by praying over each chair and person who would be joining us and today. The tears were lighter and filled with so much gratitude. As hard as last year was, I know that won’t be the last holiday filled with sadness, just like this one won’t be the last filled with so much joy. Both add to the richness of life in different ways, as long as there's an eternal hope to sustain the ebbs and flows. 

My “theme” for today and this Thanksgiving season, if you will, has been Psalm 100. I pray that the words rest into the depths of your soul as we wrap up one holiday and look ahead to another. Happy Thanksgiving Friends!

Shout for Joy to the Lord All the Earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;

Come before Him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with Thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to Him, and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;

His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100

Remember

“This hard place in which you, perhaps, find yourself, is the very place in which God is giving you opportunity to look only to Him.” Elisabeth Elliot

It’s important to remember, to reflect. I’ve found myself doing that a lot lately which is why I scrolled through my phone this morning to find out the exact date of my hospitalization last October. Turns out, today is the 1 year mark. 

Memories flooded back as I recalled the weeks and months leading up to that initial stay at UT Southwestern. I had been sick and in pain for months by the time a Godsend provider at Hospitality ER (Tyler, TX) finally found the source for my pain. Starting late last spring, all through the summer, and into September, I had been intentionally trying to heal from what I assumed was a flare that I just couldn’t control. I had sought out an Osteopath who could prescribe the pain meds I knew I needed to try and buy a little more time while I tackled the issue holistically and aggressively. Weeks into treatments, I was still not getting better. In fact, I was almost getting worse. 

Ryne got home after being gone about 2 months for training at his new job, and he could then witness first hand what I had been trying to “deal with” for months. Bless him… Once he got home he tried to help in my search for a new G.I. doctor, helped me (kindly and firmly) get the referrals I needed for more imaging, and finally, after weeks of circles and no answers, he took me to the ER. When we arrived at Hospitality in Tyler, the provider just “happened” to have Crohns disease and had extensive knowledge of my disease and even symptoms. After previously having a CT Scan where “everything was normal,” a second scan revealed a large mass. Anyone without additional knowledge of G.I. disorders would likely have also looked at the results and would have said I needed an appendectomy, but in reality, the mass of infection had started to seep out, including the appendix. The next few hours were a bit of a blur, but the provider at Hospitality was phenomenal. She explained that I was going to need a Colorectal surgeon, and she predicted that I would be in the hospital for weeks at a minimum. Simply put, she painted a harsh picture that Ryne and I needed to hear. (And, in time, most of what she guessed came to fruition.) She is the one who made the calls and put into action who would end up being part of my GI team today. They immediately gave me two grenade looking bags of antibiotics that were squeezed into my i.v.,  and most wonderfully- heavy duty pain meds! For the first time in months, I had some relief! 

We then made the drive home to pick up some things and head to Dallas. From the time I arrived, to me laying in my hospital room couldn’t have been more than about 10 minutes. Within 24 hours they were putting a picc line in to help with my nutrient levels. I was barely eating (or drinking) because anything I put in my mouth would cause pain. The week I spent in the hospital was all about getting rid of the infection. After most of the infection was removed, a drain was placed (quite uncomfortably I might add) to continue draining off any remaining infection while I continued on I.V. antibiotics. 

It’s all so interesting to think back to that week, because now I know what the weeks following that would hold. I remember desperately wanting to avoid all the “worse case scenarios” that were presented, and time would bring most of them to pass. 

I thought that the end of this week last year was the end of a really hard season. I, full of hope, thought that I had pushed through and had in utter exhaustion, crossed the finish line. I thought the issue would be solved and I could be more disciplined with my habits and choices, and everything would be back to normal. Instead, my usual Pollyanna self, was about to begin a walk through some really hard months. 

And I need to remember that. 

With tears in my eyes I can say that I am much better today than I was a year ago, but I’ve also been quick to share with those who ask, that I’m also not at all where I want to be. In reality, we hardly ever are. 

It doesn’t matter if we are referring to our health, our marriages, various relationships, our jobs/careers, any of it… There are things we want to be different- better even. But in the midst of looking ahead, have you remembered where you started? 

Because I forget- And I want to remember so I can pour from a spring of eternal water vs. living each day searching for something that will quench my thirst. 

Your season won’t look just like mine, but especially as we enter into a “season of Thanksgiving,” don’t forget to remember where you’ve been and where He’s brought you too.